Perfect!

That's what I am.

Well, In my mind that's how things will always be.


I have my ups and downs.
I just think that in my mind.

Ew.

I feel so alone today.
Like, Not depression alone.

But I feel really alone.
I miss my boyfriend for some odd reason. I feel like I have not seen him in years.

haha

I'm glad I have my bestfriend.
He's great.



Oh, and My other bestfriend.
From back in the day.
I've really missed her.

From childhood to motherhood.
<3

Ok then...

I guess today I am being selfish.
I'm only thinking of myself.


I can never get over it.

hmm?

Honestly, friday was perfect.

until I discovered something that bothered me.
Like, its honestly still bothering me.
I don't know what to think. But I do know when something is going good... it kinda gets all messed up again. It gets me thinking a little too much. Especially when it deals with what fucked everything up.

It kinda makes me feel like someone isn't telling me the whole truth.

The baby...

I went to the doctors today.
It was cute. Heard my sons little heart beat again. It was cute, he is a hyper one.


He's perfect.


I'm starting to think he loves daddy more than he loves me.
Because he responds to him when he touches my tummy.
:/


haha No, but really.



I have my two boys and that makes me so happy.
Even if things are rocky I have them in the end.
I love them.

Hello.

I knew today would be better.

I still miss him. But things take time.

"Rome wasn't built in a day?"


haha




Ps. My tummy seems to be getting bigger and bigger everyday.
I love it.


6 Months tomorrow.
Only 3 more months.

I can't wait.

Staying focused today!

We will see how that goes.

But so far I think it's going to be a good day.

Hopefully someone works up some courage. haha

I'm gonna do it.

Ima change. Even more than I have.

I'm still a good person. Most of the time.



But my son needs me. More than ever. :]

Ah, No no no.

I'll still wonder what you do and if it's going to hurt me.




















But I can't be selfish and worry about myself.


You do what you want.
I still love you.


mhm.


Ok, enough of that.

I will do a quick blog of my day.

1. School. thank god I had one class today. Anthropology was cancelled.
2. Went shopping.
3. I looked at stuff for my baby. That actually took hours.
4. came home.
5. slept.

I like when I have a productive day.

Keeps my mind of things.

:]

...

I'm trying to keep myself busy today.
It really is helping.



It's taking my mind off things. Things I shouldn't be thinking about.

I give up.

Yea, I know I shouldn't.

But I am tired of picking myself up. I feel so sad. but it's what I have to do.
It's in your hands now.

You choose what you wanna do because I am DONE with it.













the possibilities of not being in love anymore are astronomical.
But so are the chances of working everything out.
It's too much.


I still love you.

Yea.

We can look back.

But no matter which way we both turn we will see things we don't want to see.






I still don't see why I am the way I am.


I'm hoping to start fresh with the same people.
The people who truly matter.
Family. Not so much friends.

Goodmorning. This is to you:

I love you. I will never stop loving you.


I need to work on it.
I'm not good at seeing things from your point of view.
I'm selfish remember, I only look at things my way.

This is to just update you. I don't like keeping things to myself.

I cried last night. It was due to a horrible dream I had which made me think about them. I also talked them while I was thinking about what to do with you. They are enjoying each others company.

It's kinda hard to see you change when you really are not changing at all.
Some promise you made.

Don't be mad at me for this.
I know you will still love me.

I was also thinking about your past.
All fucked up.
You have some of the same traits.


You wonder why I have to talk to you everyday.
It's because look how long I was with out you.
Do you blame me?

Are we ashamed? I'm starting to feel like you are.
It's not "normal".

Im restrained.
You, on the other hand, do whatever you want.

I don't think you know how it feels. Because if you knew it wouldn't be this hard.

Are you understanding? Because only one person could know what I mean.
That's if you do get me.

Excuse me if this doesn't make sense.

I am done with trying to make things so perfect. Just when I think everything is perfect and I'm holding on to what I worked so hard for it seems to be slipping through my fingers. Yea, It can be A LOT worse but I really think it's my ability that I can NOT let go of the past. So maybe it is my fault. I try to let the past be the past but the past is what fucked me over so much. I try to be the best girlfriend I can be but I can't seem to live up to those standards. Two people are expecting me to change this and I can't even do it for them let alone myself. Overall I am happy. I don't know. I am lost in my own world that isn't a part of this galaxy.

I think...

It's beautiful, wonderful, perfect, amazing.
I'm just wondering if it's for me.

Seriously?!

Have I seriously not blogged in over 3 months? Or something like that. Haha
wow. I am amazed. I decided to keep this going. I'm going to blog more often. This and myspace are the only sites I will log onto. I am not into twitter, facebook, and all that other stuff so I think I'm just going to keep this. I promise. For all those nosey people who want to keep up with my life. Here is my life. My blog.

I am starting all over so my past post will be deleted.
Now that I look at it. They are NOT important.